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Refactoring Trust on Your Teams (GOTO; Chicago 2020)

Refactoring Trust on Your Teams (GOTO; Chicago 2020)

Rebecca Miller-Webster

April 27, 2020

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  1. Refactoring Trust on your Team Rebecca Miller-Webster @rmillwebster Equilibria Head

    of Engineering myeq.com | @equilibriawomen Premium, farm to home, CBD for women Write/Speak/Code Founder, Board Member @writespeakcode Leadership & visibility for women, trans, and non-binary technologists
  2. @rmillerwebster Trust matters • Fundamental to our sense of safety,

    autonomy, and dignity as a human being • Part of every relationship • Allows us to disagree, debate & test each other’s thinking • Trust on teams is correlated with business profitability
  3. @rmillerwebster Neuroscience of Trust • Trust in social interactions increases

    oxytocin • Oxytocin increases • risk tolerance • ability to make decisions and take actions • critical analysis, logic, and creativity • verbal communication skills • well-being and safety
  4. @rmillerwebster Neuroscience of Distrust • Fight / Flight / Freeze

    response • Limited use of “thinking brain” • Respond with unconscious, innate defensive behaviors • Anxiety, fear, anger, aggression, withdrawal • Threat alert
  5. @rmillerwebster Self-Protection • most successful people learn to be competitive

    with their peers, and protective of their reputations • takes away focus from current work • fear of others using “it” for their gain
  6. @rmillerwebster Trust is choosing to risk making something you value

    vulnerable to another person’s actions. The Thin Book of Trust by Charles Feltman:
  7. @rmillerwebster What do we value? Money Beliefs Your or team’s

    work or effort Career / Job Way of doing things Deadlines Promotion “Good name,” Reputation, or Status Thoughts and Ideas Goal Happiness and wellbeing Hopes, Fears, or Concerns
  8. @rmillerwebster Relational Vulnerability • “Emotion we experience during times of

    uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” • “Showing up when you can’t control the outcome” • Cannot “engineer” vulnerability out of relationships • Innovation requires us to accept inevitable failure and keep going. Quotes from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
  9. @rmillerwebster B Boundaries R Reliability A Accountability V Vault I

    Integrity N Non-Judgement G Generosity Elements of Trust from Rising Strong, Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
  10. @rmillerwebster Boundaries • You respect my boundaries. • When you’re

    not clear about what’s ok and not ok, you ask. • You are willing to say no.
  11. @rmillerwebster Lack of Boundaries • Resentment • Anger • Frustration

    • Talking behind people’s backs • Blame BRAVING: Boundaries
  12. @rmillerwebster Boundary Examples • Starting and ending meetings on time

    • Not looking at phones or computers during meetings • Not checking email after a certain time • Not taking work home on the weekends BRAVING: Boundaries
  13. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Clear expectations, including …

    • Success Criteria • Timeframe • Resources • Explain your reasoning and be open to questions • Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. BRAVING: Boundaries
  14. @rmillerwebster Reliability • You do what you say you’ll do

    • At work this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t over promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities
  15. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Agile: Stand up, Planning

    Poker • Respond positively when someone asks for help • Clarify requests & offers: who, what, when • Be committed to what you ask for • Report on commitments BRAVING: Reliability
  16. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Take the time to

    listen to why people are doing what they are doing • Avoid hero-ing • Take responsibility for your behavior and the impact it had on others • Acknowledge: recognize what you did wrong or the damage in the other person’s eyes — even if that wasn’t your intention • Apologize: ask forgiveness, and declare your intention to redeem yourself. • Commit to changing your behavior — and do change. • Help fix problems your actions created BRAVING: Accountability
  17. @rmillerwebster Vault • You don’t share information or experiences that

    aren’t yours to share • I need to know my confidences are kept and you are not sharing with me information about other people that should be kept confidential
  18. @rmillerwebster Back-Channel Communication • not being direct or upfront with

    people. • “Meeting after the meeting” — sharing reactions, emotions, or opinions with people before or after a meeting, rather than sharing them in the meeting. • Gossip • “Dirty yes” — say “yes” to your face and then “no” behind your back BRAVING: Vault
  19. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Model public conversations when

    appropriate • Ask if subject knows its being shared • Don’t give or receive gossip • Difficult circumstances • Be vague if saying nothing is creating gossip • Ask a person what you can share BRAVING: Vault
  20. @rmillerwebster Integrity • You choose courage over comfort • You

    choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy • You choose to practice your values rather than just professing them
  21. @rmillerwebster What are your values? • Same values for work

    and home. • What behaviors support? • What behaviors take away? • When were you fully living into your values? BRAVING: Integrity
  22. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Be explicit about the

    things that matter - Examples of good and bad • Check yourself when someone does something differently - Is this a thing that matters? • Create new expectations when things happen - take responsibility for not being explicit • Be thoughtful and intentional about handling disagreements • Find a person to role play, run ideas by, and review BRAVING: Integrity
  23. @rmillerwebster Non-judgement • I can ask you for what I

    need and you can ask for what you need • We can talk about how we feel without judgement • We can ask each other for help without judgement
  24. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • Ask for help •

    Help others when they ask • Stay curious about why you are judging • Be aware of your own insecurities BRAVING: Non-judgement
  25. @rmillerwebster What can you do? • What boundaries need to

    be in place for you to be generous with your assumptions about other’s behavior? • Provide clear expectations and set boundaries • We are each responsible for our own behavior and the things we can control • Don’t hold grudges • Get to know people personally - listen, ask questions BRAVING: Generosity
  26. Define roles in a decision • Who is accountable? Do

    they have the authority to do the work? • Who will carry out decision? • Who needs to provide input? • Who is effected and needs to be notified? • What does success look like? • Create a checklist of what needs to be done
  27. What does support look like? • Open-ended question. • Not

    “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” • Clarifies roles and expectations • Holds them accountable for asking for what they need
  28. @rmillerwebster How to Talk about Trust • Schedule a time

    • Start with context: I’d like to talk about trust • Specific behaviors • Clear Examples • Describe the impact of the behavior on individual, team or business • Follow up with consistent actions
  29. @rmillerwebster Lack of Trust Stay silent in meetings or after

    a disagreement Passive aggressive behavior Micromanaging Seek individual recognition “Meeting after the meeting” Interpersonal conflict Revisit the same issues over and over “Dirty Yes”: Say yes to your face and no behind your back Cynicism Withholding information and ideas Invisible Army: Using ‘we” to express your own point of view Frustration Avoid tough conversations and giving feedback Defensiveness Resentment
  30. @rmillerwebster Trusting Teams During meetings, most important and difficult issues

    are put on the table to be resolved Acknowledge and apologize for mistakes. Willingly makes sacrifices for the good of the team Productive debate and discussions - ends with clear and specific resolutions and call to action Do what you say you’ll do Passionate & unguarded in their discussion of issues Concerned about letting down peers Willing to say no Call out each other’s unproductive behaviors Ask for help Openly admit weakness and mistakes. Don’t over promise Retain employees Leave meetings confident that peers are committed to the decisions made Meetings are engaging and productive
  31. Start with Self-Trust • Three elements of self-compassion: • Self-Kindness:

    speaking to ourselves as we would speak to our loved ones, even in face of failure; meet mistakes with kindness • Common Humanity: we are not alone and humans shares these feelings of shame and inadequacy • Mindfulness: appropriate responsibility and rumination on feelings and emotions; be present Research from Dr. Kristin Neff
  32. @rmillerwebster Trust is a practice • “Repair trust when it

    is broken, by being intentional and consistent in your language and actions.” - Charles Feltman, Thin Book of Trust • Walk the Walk • Make amends
  33. Refactoring Trust on your Team Rebecca Miller-Webster @rmillwebster Write/Speak/Code @writespeakcode

    Dare to Lead by Brené Brown Thin Book of Trust by Charles Felman Understanding Computers and Cognition by Terry Winograd Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff Equilibria myeq.com | @equilibriawomen