Ask vs. Guess Culture Communication (self.conference)

@kwugirl Ask vs. Guess Cultures KWu, an Ask Culture person
Software engineer

@kwugirl

@kwugirl You

@kwugirl You Jamie

@kwugirl You Jamie Taylor

@kwugirl You Jamie Taylor Can Taylor stay with you?

@kwugirl You Jamie ? Taylor

@kwugirl You Jamie I’ll just tell them no. Taylor

@kwugirl You Jamie or Taylor

@kwugirl You Jamie Ugh, this puts ! me in a
difficult position. Taylor

@kwugirl “I’ll just tell them no.” “Ugh, this puts me
in a difﬁcult position.” Ask Culture Guess Culture

@kwugirl litmus test overview of cultures a few examples pros/cons
further considerations strategies for handling work situations

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! overview of cultures! ! ! ! !

@kwugirl

@kwugirl it’s OK to ask for anything + you’re OK
getting ‘no’ for an answer ASK

@kwugirl avoid asking unless the answer will be yes GUESS

@kwugirl extend out delicate feelers GUESS

@kwugirl don’t have to explicitly ask GUESS

@kwugirl if you accept, are you imposing too much? GUESS

@kwugirl putting others in the position of having to say
‘no’ seems rude GUESS

@kwugirl ASK GUESS

@kwugirl ASK GUESS Northeast Paciﬁc Northwest Midwest

@kwugirl one culture ≯ another culture

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! ! a few examples! ! ! !

@kwugirl “The Seattle No” https://medium.com/lessons-learned/the-seattle-no-177091f864a4

@kwugirl Hey, I’m going to this party, do you want
to come?

@kwugirl Hmm that sounds interesting, I’ll have to check.

@kwugirl or

@kwugirl Oh yeah, maybe…

@kwugirl Oh yeah, maybe… + don’t hear from them again
about it

@kwugirl THIS MEANS NO.

@kwugirl THIS MEANS NO. (not obvious to all of us)

@kwugirl

@kwugirl “Hmm, I don’t have time to make lunch  
for next week.”

for next week.” Dan hears

for next week.” “Could you make extra meals so I have lunch for the week?” Dan hears

@kwugirl “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”

@kwugirl “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.” I
think

@kwugirl “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.” “That’s
so weird, Dan’s planning to make an extra meal this weekend, but ok.” I think

@kwugirl “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.” “That’s
so weird, Dan’s planning to make an extra meal this weekend, but ok.” What I did not say: “Oh, you don’t have to do that.” I think

@kwugirl what we’ve got here… ! ! ! is a
FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

@kwugirl End Result Me Dan

@kwugirl End Result Me “Why do we have so much
food in the fridge?” Dan

@kwugirl End Result Me “Why do we have so much
food in the fridge?” Dan “I’m such a good husband.”

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! ! ! pros/cons! ! !

@kwugirl Ask Culture

@kwugirl Ask Culture Prioritizes efﬁciency

@kwugirl Ask Culture Prioritizes efﬁciency No ambiguity

@kwugirl Ask Culture Prioritizes efﬁciency No ambiguity Gets what you
want  (in the short-term)

want  (in the short-term) More open conﬂict

want  (in the short-term) More open conﬂict Can make people feel uncomfortable

@kwugirl Guess Culture

@kwugirl Guess Culture Prioritizes not   hurting feelings

@kwugirl Guess Culture Prioritizes not   hurting feelings More polite

Hard if you’re bad at   reading social cues

Hard if you’re bad at   reading social cues Can feel like no one is listening to you

@kwugirl proportion of requests granted requests granted explicit verbal requests

@kwugirl requests granted proportion of requests granted requests granted explicit
verbal requests

@kwugirl requests granted explicit verbal requests   + implicit requests!
proportion of requests granted requests granted explicit verbal requests

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! ! ! ! further considerations! !

@kwugirl

@kwugirl personality family __context__

@kwugirl company culture

@kwugirl team culture

@kwugirl personal experiences

@kwugirl women

@kwugirl women “abrasive”

@kwugirl ???

@kwugirl family

@kwugirl family work

@kwugirl clarity of relationship ??????? stranger BFF

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! ! ! ! ! strategies for handling!

@kwugirl If you’re from Ask Culture…

@kwugirl If you’re from Ask Culture… Make a Guess Culture
close friend

close friend Listen more closely

close friend Listen more closely Apologize if you realize >1 interpretation

@kwugirl If you’re from Guess Culture…

@kwugirl If you’re from Guess Culture… Remember that people might
be   unaware of “the rules”

@kwugirl If you’re from Guess Culture… Remember that people might
be   unaware of “the rules” Resist the urge to “soften” a “No”

@kwugirl example: discussing rent http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurashin/2015/04/14/the-money-taboo-why-it-exists-who-it-benefits-and-how-to-navigate-it/

@kwugirl goal: ﬁnd out if new apartment’s rent is a
good deal

@kwugirl “What do you pay for your apartment?”

@kwugirl “I’m looking at this place, is that rent reasonable?”

@kwugirl “I’m looking for an apartment.”

@kwugirl “Do you know what the range tends to be?”

further considerations strategies for handling work situations ! ! ! ! ! ! work situations

@kwugirl work situations general things to consider useful phrasings example
situations use your strengths

@kwugirl general things to consider useful phrasings example situations use
your strengths work situations general things to consider! ! !

@kwugirl short-term vs. long-term

@kwugirl relationships

@kwugirl are you sure you know what other people are
thinking?

@kwugirl don’t assume they… will react as you would are
unhappy with you

your strengths work situations ! useful phrasings! !

@kwugirl “Hey, I have a question, but it’s totally ok
to say no.”

@kwugirl “Hey, I have a question,  but it’s totally ok
to say no.”

@kwugirl “Hey, I have a question, but it’s totally ok
if you want to say no.”

@kwugirl “it’s ok if you’re busy…” “Hey, I have a
question, but it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”

@kwugirl “it’s ok if you’re busy…” “I understand if you’re
busy…” “Hey, I have a question, but it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”

@kwugirl “I have an observation, not a judgment—please tell me
more! I’m curious.”

@kwugirl “Hey, remember when we talked about how I should
be more assertive? Well, _____”

@kwugirl discuss communication styles

@kwugirl “We have a few options that work, A/B/C. Let
me know!”

@kwugirl “It really helps me to get near-realtime feedback.”

@kwugirl “Sometimes I have trouble speaking up, it would really
help if…”

@kwugirl use this talk as an excuse!

@kwugirl “I went to this amazing talk at self.conference…”

your strengths work situations ! ! example situations!

@kwugirl getting/giving help

@kwugirl discuss with mentors

@kwugirl

@kwugirl “I’m not sure I understand  this feature.”

@kwugirl “I’m not sure I understand  this feature.” (“Can someone
help me?”)

@kwugirl don’t assume silence == ok

@kwugirl pairing

@kwugirl pairing retro

@kwugirl “I’m not sure I absorbed enough out of that
last pairing session.”

@kwugirl “What would work better?”

@kwugirl “We were kind of in an exploratory  phase…maybe next
time we can save pairing for later?”

@kwugirl working with PM

@kwugirl “I didn’t think this team could get all this
done.”

@kwugirl what people hear KW KL

@kwugirl what people hear KW KL “The team is dropping
the ball.”

@kwugirl what people hear KW “We PMs set a really
aggressive roadmap.” KL “The team is dropping the ball.”

@kwugirl Ask Manager & Guess Report

@kwugirl Ask Manager & Guess Report positive reinforcement for saying
“no”

“no” be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice

“no” be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice don’t default processes to people needing to ask

“no” be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice don’t default processes to people needing to ask PAY ATTENTION

your strengths work situations ! ! ! use your strengths

@kwugirl meetings

@kwugirl be thoughtful, help each other

@kwugirl if you have any questions…

@kwugirl just ask. ;)

Ask vs. Guess Culture Communication (self.confe...

Ask vs. Guess Culture Communication (self.conference)

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